Never say no to yello Jello

And other parenting tips

We are at the Picadilly on a Thursday night. When you have six children, you learn who has the 99 cent kid meals on which night. Shana Lee is our youngest at two years old, that age when children oscillate between non-verbal grunts and whole paragraphs. As we jostle through the cafeteria line, pushing our plastic trays and responding to multiple requests, little Shana Lee selects only one dish: a saucer of yellow Jello.

At the table, she sits on her knees in the chair because her thighs are too chunky for a high chair. She stabs the air with one finger, chanting, “Lello, lello, lello….”

Five children ago, I might have said no. As a veteran, I’ve learned that “no” is a loaded word. In the mouth of a toddler, “no” can be an insult, a line in the sand, an assertion of independence or a stalling tactic. But in the ears of a toddler, “no” is a stronger word than any other. It sounds like death and rejection, all rolled into one. If you have to use that word, it ought to be more important than yellow Jello.

Never say no, when you can say yes – that’s my philosophy. Yes also works with later, as in “Yes, you can have a popsicle after we put away these toys,” or “Yes, you can drive the car – as soon as you turn fifteen and obtain a learner’s license.” In the Picadilly case, it comes out something like, “After you eat some beef and corn and broccoli – then you can eat yellow Jello!”

Shana Lee does not share my reservations about the word “no.” She shouts it heartily, to be sure the cashier out front and the chef in back hear her objections. In case her mother fails to understand English, she punctuates the “no” with a sudden jab at her plate. The plate taps the dessert saucer, causing the golden cubes of Jello to shimmy.

Some parents are insulted by a child who shouts “no,” especially in public. Others regard a toddler’s “no” as a bully’s challenge that must be met in order to salvage parental pride and establish the proper pecking order. There exists an entire genre of writers who instruct parents how to win these battles, warning that your child will become something like a serial killer if ever you allow her to succeed in a single episode of parent-child combat.

My capacity to be insulted by two-year-olds has long since fallen victim to desensitization. Even when they scowl, point at me and pronounce, “You mean!” I only feel mild amusement. The smile that touches my lips sometimes fuels their anger, as it does my teenager when she smarts off and then catches me holding back a snicker. I can’t help it! I remember what it was like to be fourteen, and in that moment I’m just thinking, “Oh, my poor mother…”

I was a volatile teenager. To my chagrin, I remember it well. My mother bit her tongue, perhaps realizing that volatile teens need a safe place to rage and rail. Behind the angry words of a teen, there lies a message: “I am confused right now, but I know you’re someone I can trust.” Screaming teens are usually healthier than those who cannot verbalize their angst.

Teens and toddlers aren’t so different. A parent’s knee-jerk reaction to the rebellious toddler (or teen) is to teach her a lesson. Some will even say, “You have to break her will.” God forbid that I should ever break a child’s will. She might need it someday.

The child who says no to broccoli may someday be saying no to pot, unwanted sexual demands, or drag racing. Obviously, we want our children to say yes to broccoli and no to drugs.

What we forget is that life is filled with thousands of choices every day, from preferences to judgment calls. Not all of these decisions are as black and white as drugs or broccoli. Our task as parents is to teach our children (mostly through modeling) how to navigate those decisions in a manner that is harmless to others and true to themselves.

If I want my children to retain the language of “no,” I must be willing to let them practice it on me. If I want them to believe “no” has any power, I must allow it to stand sometimes. If I want my daughter to grow into a healthy adult who obeys her conscience, I must let her develop a conscience of her own. If I believe that healthy people question authority, I must acknowledge that, right now, the authority is me.

So does Shana Lee eat the yellow Jello first? That’s not a terrible idea. She is normally a vegetable lover, and I fail to see the value of a public broccoli battle. Jello is not filling, and she would probably eat the vegetables next. But Daddy is both more stubborn and more patient than Mama. He lifts her out of her seat and carries her out of the restaurant on his forearm.

Upon return, Shana Lee quietly cleans her plate, and then triumphantly chirps “Lello!”

“How’d you do it?” I ask in a conspiratorial whisper. This is later at home, when Shana Lee is sleeping in the crook of Daddy’s arm.

“Do what?”

“You know – the broccoli.”
“I didn’t do anything,” he says modestly. “I just took her outside for a little while.”

I smile in the darkness. “You broke the pattern,” I observe. That’s a new trick we’re learning. This sixth child of ours is nothing like the first five. In fact, we have found that every one of our children is such a distinct individual that parenting is a continual learning process.

Here are a few parenting tips from our experience:

Take your children to Sunday School. Tell them why it is important to learn about God. Make sure they understand the difference between miracles and mere Disney magic.

Count heads and buckle seat belts. Several children die each week in back-over accidents, usually in their own driveway. I count heads or call roll before I put the car in gear. If little ones are staying home, I’ll even use my cell phone to ask “Is Shana Lee still with you? Can you see her right now?” Automobile accidents are the leading cause of death for children under five.

Teach your children to swim. It’s fun, it’s healthy, and it just may save their lives. Drowning is the second leading cause of children’s deaths.

Potty training is over-rated. Children master toilet usage when they sufficiently mature – not when parents work enough and worry enough. Provide a child-size potty and a small dose of encouragement, then wait for nature to take its course.

You can conceive, birth and name your children, but you will never change fundamental aspects of their personality. Children are not blank slates that we can write upon. Love them as they are.

Never say no when you can say yes. The world will teach your child that she cannot have it all. Your task is to teach her to defy nay-sayers and reach for the stars.

copyright Jeannie Babb Taylor
www.JeannieBabbTaylor.com